3-2-1

There isn’t too much to report right now.  We had to work on Emerson’s pain management yesterday morning, and once that was worked out, she was able to rest peacefully.  She has been resting and recovering since.  I am anxiously awaiting surgical rounds to see what they say after checking her.  Of course, the one day I make sure I am totally awake before they get here- which is usually 6:30- they are late.  As I struggled to stay awake, I thought of how this all started three weeks ago.  I ran that day over in my mind- again!- and then started thinking of the change it brought and how a season literally changed while we were here and how the month of October has ALWAYS brought change for us.  THAT led me to THIS:

We have been here now for 3 weeks.  For 21 days.  This, then, made me think about these numbers, 3,2,and 1 and I realized how much change they have brought:

Three years ago (in October), we put our condo up for sale, hoping for the slightest possibility that it would sell, so we could buy a home and start a family.  One month later, it sold; two months later, we moved out.

Two years ago (in October), I was on temporary bed rest.  I laid on the couch, looking out our big window at the changing leaves and rubbed my belly telling Emerson, “Just be good.”  It is something Brian used to say all the time, and it captured so simply all I wanted for her.

One year ago (in October), I returned to work after my maternity leave feeling conflicted.  I was excited to feel a sense of myself again and sad to leave my 5 month old baby who had just begun to roll around and babble all the time.  She was on the brink of sitting up by herself, and I felt guilty about leaving her and guilty about not being entirely upset to be leaving her.

Three weeks ago, we brought Emerson to Loyola, shocked that a little cold could turn so deadly.  We were not sure if she would live and numerous times that week, we almost lost her.

Two weeks ago, Emerson’s organs began to recover.  For the first time, I thought she might pull through this.

One week ago, Emerson started vomiting bile and developing fevers.  We did not know why.

Three days ago, we were told Emerson’s intestines were edematous and that she would need surgery to figure out what is wrong.  We were deflated (I know, odd adjective, but the most accurate one I could think of). 

Two days ago, she had surgery and surgeons discovered and fixed, we think, the source of that problem she developed almost one week before. 

I am exhausted by these numbers.  By the change they bring.  They capture all of the ups and downs and leave me wondering what is next.   What I know is what we hope: that in one week, Emerson can be extubated.  That in two weeks, we will see her, awake, in her lion costume relearning her roar.  That in three weeks, we will be leaving Loyola, the three of us, together.  That in two months, we will be home, spoiling Emerson with presents at Christmas before the surgery she will need to reverse the ostomy in three months. 

I know this blog is for Emerson updates.  Thanks, again, for indulging me with another somewhat random essay while I wait.