Another scary recovery ahead

It was a long night around here.  Emerson is on pain medication, but every time she would begin to wake up, she would grind her teeth, bite down on the tube in her mouth, get all red and cry.  She would move her hands and legs a bit  and a few times open her eyes while doing this.  It drove me insane to see her in pain, and the surgeons said there was potential for a good deal of pain she could be in, so we would give her some more pain meds, but at this point, we don't know how long they last, so I set my alarm for every 45 minutes to get up and check her, hoping that within those 45 minutes of intermittent sleep she didn't wake up.  Not once when I woke up last night was she awake or in pain, but I was upset that during one period, I set my alarm wrong so I got almost 2 hours of sleep between 1:30 and 3:30ish.  Eva, Emmy's nurse last night, said that she had to give her some morphine at that time.  I am so glad she go it.  The nurses around here are wonderful- have I mentioned that before?

I woke up again very sleepy but determined to be awake when I heard Dr. Glynn, Emerson's surgeon, in the room. She thinks the bowel that is exposed looks okay.  (I have to admit that I keep looking at it as well to make sure it is not becoming browninsh or purple again.  It is not as gross as you would think ). Dr. Glynn will be doing Emerson's surgery at 4:00 today.  They are going to explore and clean her bowels and stomach very carefully.  If there is a bad section of bowel that needs to be cut away, she will tell us before she does it.  However, whereas yesterday we were told that Emerson's bowels are much too edematous to close her and that they would need to keep her bowels outside of her body for up to a week, Dr. Glynn thinks that is riskier than closing her at this point and is going to attempt to put the bowels back in her body and close her up.  If she cannot close her all the way, she will close what she can and keep open a small part that will heal on its own and become a hernia that will need to be removed months from now, after Emmy is recovered.  This was, at first, a great relief.  THIS would be progress.  However, I am scared of the risks of closing her up as well.  We just don't know for sure that her bowels will handle it well, that it won't cause a perpheration later if they become increasingly edematous, that fluid won't build up again and put pressure on her lungs again.  I am very, very nervous about it all.  I really, really hate how much "wait and see" comes with this recovery.

Emmy had fevers last night around 101.5.  It went down slightly after some Tylenol but then came back.  More than likely, she is still just fighting this infection, but they take cultures during the fever just to double check that something new has not developed.  Until now, each culture has been negative, but we will have to wait until midnight tonight for the cultures that were sent last night.  The kid has a lot going on so I guess we should not be totally surprised that she is fighting a fever. 

Dr. Glynn is going to recommend that Emerson be heavily sedated for 24 hours to avoid movement and pain.  I don't know if that is what her other doctors will want because they are afraid of withdrawal and Emerson doesn't move SO much that she is at risk of doing something that will damage the exposed bowels, but I really hope at this point that is what we do.  I just want her to rest peacefully right now.  I have a hard time knowing if I want it more for her or me right now, actually. It is just too hard to see her wince and cry.

I kinda feel like I really want to be sedated, too.  And I kinda want it to last the next week or so because I am so afraid of what could happen after this surgery.  I don't know how I am going to remain calm and sane.  It's a good thing Brian is better at it than I am.